Post by Admin on May 10, 2021 1:33:03 GMT
E A R L I E R
T O D A Y
“Wait… why the fuck are we at United Skates?”, an acne riddled teenager asks his mom as he gets out of their SUV.
“JAMES! Language! Just because your father isn’t around doesn’t mean you get to talk like that!”
His mom looks stressed rocking the usual bags under the eyes haven’t taken care of myself in decades middle America mom look. But she fondly smiles at the skating rink.
“You said it yourself you go to the skatepark all the time!”, she slaps his arm and tries to lead him towards the front door, “besides we used to have fun here all the time”
“It’s…. “
even though he’s an asshole he doesn’t have the heart to tell her that it’s a skate park and not the skating rink he used to go to when kissing girls was seen as gross.
“....it… it should be fun mom”
“SURPRIIII….IIiiiise?”
As they walk in early Tony, Averie Stardust, Baba, TUT, Bembe, Conor Mayfair and Noelle all wish him a happy birthday. Jimm- sorry. James looks confused. To be fair so do the wrestlers because when she moved to the side so James could see the wrestlers they didn’t expect a teenager. Conor and Noelle rolled their eyes while Tony looked at the boys mom and then back and forth at his roster before giving her a reassuring grin.
TUT walks up to Tony and leans in
“I’m gunna get this kid a real present… but you need to come up with a plan. Aint no way the boys are doing a show for this kid and his shitty friends.”
TUT slaps Tony in the back and leaves him at the bench he’s leaving ing on trying to catch his breath.
“They’re gunna kill me….. they’re GUNNA kill me. Jesus Christ…”
“Misterrrrrr…..?”
Oh god, it’s his mom.
“Russo, right? Mr. Russo?”
Deep breaths Tony, you got this. Put the fake smile on aaaaand
“Yes maaam! Tony Russo, Tony Russos Cheap Pops Pro Wrestling. How are ya?!”
Yyyyuck.it just feels greasy. Like a used car salesman sleazy.
“So how many matches did you have lined up today? The place told me you guys have about thirty or….. forty minutes to entertain my son ?”
You ever see a guy trying to hide fire coming out from his ears and lasers in his eyes? That would be Russo. Her original email told Tony to pull out all the stops for her little boys birthday - but now he has less time than your favorite Netflix show
“Yes. Well…. hopefully we don’t go over. Right? But no big deal if we do”, more used car salesman laughing.
“Well, hopefully not”, shes trying to be nice in a momma bear way but you can see she will kill Tony if she has to, “it’s an extra hour reserve payment if you go over and I’m taking it out of your pay”
Very condescending.
Slightly threatening.
Not at all worth the price.
It’s bad enough Connor decided to try and kill off all of the robot band. He probably won’t even break even on this.
“Well! Let’s get started then hm!”
He'd be lying if he said he didn’t consider having someone take her out right now. But Luckily her child walks back in with TUT, his girlfriend Rarity, and a new game console.
P E P T A L K
“ALRIGHT…. LISTEN UP...HEY”
Like a wartime general…. or a teeball coach. Tony is trying to huddle the troops in their “dressing room” aka the storage room. He’s standing on an old skee ball machine and everyone is in front of him except Hatchet and A$hley. The usual “back of the class cool kids”
“Alright there’s going to be some changes to the card!”
This sets Hatchet off immediately, he doesn’t even know if his match is one of the matches that will be effected but he and A$hley have heard enough.
“Meet me in the fucking ring Prince Akeem, I ain’t got time”, and just like that he left and headed towards the ring.
H A T C H E T
G U L L Y w / A $ H L E Y
V S
B A B A T U N D E
Hatchet ain’t havin it. He Don't want entrance music. He don’t give a fuck if there’s a ref. He just wants his fight and he wants to get paid. Baba though? Different story. He loves the skating rink idea he’s slowly skating with one of those PVC pipes with wheels so he can high five everyone hanging their hands over the barrier. Tony is already looking at his watch and giving Jimmy’s mom a thumbs up as Baba wastes time.. Hatchet has grown impatient, he turns to A$hley who is actually in the DJ booth and nods and suddenly the skate floor turns into a photo of Averie’s face and then her skin melts off all over the floor and Baba nearly falls over from watching it. He didn’t fall over in that moment, but he does after Hatchet hits him with a trash can in his back.
Hatchet rips the skyes off his feet and tells him to have some respect for himself. Hatchet smashes the skate assistant over Baba and throws him towards the ring. “THIS YO MANS?” he screams out to Averie who looks worried. Hatchet and Baba finally get into the ring and that’s where Baba fights back with a Lou Thesz press and lands punches down on Hatchet. Baba had the whole crowd fired up. Okay maybe not the whole crowd, Jimmy and his friends were just staring at their phones and ripping vape clouds. Baba was basically wrestling for the parents and the workers and the little kids who just happened to be there the same day as this party.
Maybe it was the kiss he took time to blow to Averie? Maybe it was him catching her kiss and making sure he tucked it away in his pocket and even locked it so it doesn’t fall out? What the fuck are we saying? Regardless Hatchet got back up and he heard Tony yelling about how there’s no time for this. Hatchet raked Babas eyes and tossed him out of the ring making sure he hurts Tony where it matters the most.
In his wallet.
Now the match went from something you’d see on a wrestling show and went to something you’d see posted on Facebook. Hatchet tossed Baba into every video game trying to damage the screen. He took the wire from the guns you used in Time Crisis and wrapped it around Babas neck just smiling the entire time. Now the parents who were once watching are shielding their children’s eyes. We catch A$hley getting cash given to her by Tony and she head nods towards Hatchet who hits a muscle buster on top of the competitive 4 player Pac-Man table. He rolls Baba off of it and pins him 1-2-3
W I N N E R
H A T C H E T
G U L L Y W / A $ H L E Y
Hatchet spits towards Tony as Averie rushes to Babas defense. First splinters, now she’ll be picking glass out of him after this. She picks him up by the head as Tony tries to apologize but she leaves Tony high and dry refusing to compete.
“Well… I mean…. between that and Zeke Davis not legally being allowed within three hundred yards of here according to this court order that kinda leaves me screwed…”
Less people does mean he might make the time allotted now, let’s try to look at the positives.
“I need you guys to team up…sound good?”, Tony randomly walks backstage as Johnny Dorn and Naty are both eating the ridiculously greasy pizza next to each other. No words just nods as they burn the insides of their mouths on the hot lava red sauce.
“And uhhh…. you two… yeah. Um. Need you guys to team up”, one of the two Tony is pointing at is Uriel. The other one is literally in roller skates giving them the pizza. The guy tries to skate out of the back room and bail but Johnny chases him down and pushes him accelerating him into a concrete post. Meanwhile Naty throws Uriel towards the ring in the background and the two of them begin to fight.
“What about me?”, Noelle asks noticing they have ran out of people in the back room for her to wrestle.
Tony looks around acting like he has a plan instead of just apologizi-
“YOU KNOW WHAT RUSSO?! IM NOT GUNNA GIVE YOU THE SATISFACTION OF ME LEAVING!”
Averie! She didn’t leave! But Tony does begin to laugh as he folds a chair up next to him and hands it to Noelle.
“Go nuts.”
D O R N & N A T Y & N O E L L E
VS
A V E R I E & U R I E L & V I C T I M
On the outside of the ring there were two legs sticking straight up out of a trash can squirming as Johnny Dorn laughed and tries to fuck someone’s mom. Noelle was taking a steel chair to Averie Stardust only feet away from that. Inside the ring, Naty had the cradle DDT set up and she hit the Boido Ni and pinned Uriel for the 1-2-3. The referee didn’t even know there was a match. Russo slid into the ring and counted before heading to the bell and ringing it as well.
W I N N E R
D O R N & N A T Y & N O E L L E
You know what’s wild? Dorn actually got the attention of these teenage kids by beating up the nerd in the roller skates giving them pizza. He’s good with the kids, that’s what he tells these moms.
“Okay….okokokokok…. that worked out that worked out good thinking Tony okay….”
Talking to himself, Russo looks at his watch then the clock on the wall and his cell phone clock.
“Oh god. We have ten minutes… fuck. FUCK.”
C H A N C E
K E L L Y
V S
C O N O R
M A Y F A I R
Chance Kelly, who were pretty sure has been at the bar for a week, is making his first appearance and suddenly Santana aint the drunkest dude in the house. But the booze proved to pay off as far as pain threshold goes because Connor was deliver in kicks that grabbed the attention of everyone under that roof. Chance laughed it off like an extra from fight club, but when Connor tried a spinning back kick Chance just swung an empty beer bottle like a convenient store worker kicking someone out and smashed it over Conors head.
Okay now we’re not sure which one of theses dudes has a higher threshold, Connor immediately began to bleed, but he bent over to grab a piece of the glass and as Chance was being lectured by Russo about how you’re never supposed to take your drink onto the skate floor Conor chops Chance down like a tree in the garden using kicks before pinching his cheeks and nose to make him open his mouth and Conor dumps some of the broken glass in and hits a knee to the jaw then hits the ropes and hits a bicycle knee and OKAY NOW EVERYONE IS WATCHING.
Jimmy’s mother is fucking horrified, but to be fair she’d be angrier if she saw him outside getting high as fuck behind the building five minutes ago. Now Connor bleeds from the forehead and Chance is dripping blood from the mouth. The two of them decide to meet in the middle of the ring but Chance hits a headbutt and as Connors eyes water Chance takes control of the match. It’s hard to see through tears, plus Connor refuses to believe his eyes even manifest tears because Devin’s don’t cry.
BUT here we are.
It’s not like Chance is a technical expert,
He’s just trying to bludgeon Connor with clothesline’s and forearms. Toss in the occasional ddt and he’s got himself a near fall. Chance then told Jimmy to collect all the beer bottles and he did, drinking whatever’s left at the bottom of them like every douchey teenager would but he slides them into the ring and one by one Connor and Chance smash beer bottles over each other’s heads and across the bridge of their nose. Chance actually grabbed a “bottles only” trash can and dumped it into the ring - but in a Nostradamus event Connor front kicks Chance right in the chest and as he gasps for a quick breath Connor Suplexes Chance onto the bottles and the glass all snaps as the teenagers all get their phones out. Chance still tries to get a breath but Connor dives down with a double stomp and whatever glass broke across his back before is now imbedded in his skin. Devil May Care. 1-2-3
W I N N E R
C O N O R
M A Y F A I R
Tony is hunched over a table in front of the bar drinking whiskey and eating an entire pizza to himself. He’s down bad again today. Arcade machines, clean up fee, hes over the allotted time. If someone tells Santana at this point there’s a good chance tha-
Tony’s head spins to the entrance of the bar and sees people running away from the skate floor screaming. Seriously it looks like there’s a shooting in progress. Tony doesn’t even react, he just grabs another slice.
“Ladies and Gentleman. Santana.”
With a bit of a snicker he takes a large bite out of the pizza
“WHAT THE FUCK THE TOP OF MY MOUTH IS ON FIRE, HELLO?”
There’s no bartender. No server. They’re all gathered around the skate floor gawking at the main event. Tony couldn’t care less. Santana and Bembe against TUT & Jersey Jim? How much more money will Santana end up costing Tony tonight? Well, whatever is happening literally has the attention of the entire building because Everyone has their phones out. Well, well, well.
Maybe there’s a viral moment he capitalize o-
“NOOOOOO!”
A L R E A D Y
I N
P R O G R E S S
J E R S E Y
J I M
L U Z Z A T T O
& T U T
V S
S A N T A N A
& B E M B E
B R I G H T W E L L
Tony screams out as he pushes his way to the front of the crowd to see Santana being held against the ring post BY TUT as Jersey Jim whips away at his back using his weight belt. A fucking PR nightmare. Oh where is Bembe you ask? Well, TUT got a smoke machine and the entire skate floor is full of a weird fog as clouds and lightning play on the 3D floor so Bembe has buried himself in the corner as he hides in the fetal position. They had this perfectly scouted, TUT and Jim figured out a perfect game plan, but the execution is NOT ideal for the future of Cheap Pops. Tony gets into the ring and reassures that eventhough his daughter dates people that look like Santana that he cannot get away with anything that looks like he’s …. welll you know.
Nope, Jim doesn’t know. He doesn’t give a shit about PC culture. He tries to explain that he would whip Bembe the same way, brother. But Santana isn’t afraid of thunderstorms…. maybe if they did like a visual of a po- NO NO NO NO NO. Russo tells him to stop and whoever is doing the 3D floor models seems to think that Russo is talking to him. As the thunder and fake light int stop Bembe uncovers his head and OKAY NOW HES MAD. He points to the DJ and tells him to play his JAM.
‘ABC’ by the Jackson 5 kicks on over the speakers and Bembe is FIRED UP. He runs into the ring like a kid jacked up on Fun Dip. Hurricaranas. Tornado DDTs. Handspring back elbows and even a top rope springboard double bulldog! Santana, recovers and this motherfucker takes his own belt off and HES WHIPPING JERSEY JIM! The CPPW Heavyweight Champion is being WHIPPED. The welts raise up on his back and Jersey Jim BAILS?! WTF?! He grabs his championship and hightails it out of there. Now TUT is backed into a corner and Bembe, who is wearing Santana merch, takes his shirt off and twists it up like a high school bully who snaps towels and starts threatening TUT menacingly. TUT figures he has one chance here and he charges Santana who dodged him and throws him against the ropes but as he rebounds he hits the TNT charging uppercut and Bembe does like three rotations in mid air.
Damn. RIP.
BLACKOUT IN CHIRAQ! SANTANA HIT A WRESTLING MOVE! TUT falls to one knee and Santana makes sure he pays for it. KNEE after KNEE after KNEE after KNEE aft- white towel?! Wtf. Who threw in the white towel?!
Russo. Dumb question should’ve known.
W I N N E R
S A N T A N A
& B E M B E
B R I G H T W E L L
Again, Santana picks up Bembe who tells him happy birthday as he carries him out of the ring but now all of CPPW sees the bias as Tony checks in on TUT who isn’t pleased with the white towel. Neither is Rarity, but TUT is more co corned with where the hell Jersey Jim went?
Tony tells Jimmy’s mom he’s gunna walk TUT out to the car in case he has a concussion. Obviously she reminds him that he owes her for another hour because she only had the reservation for thirty minutes. Unfortunately she’d never see Tony again, because in true Carmy fashion he left the second he loaded TUT into the car.
T O D A Y
“Wait… why the fuck are we at United Skates?”, an acne riddled teenager asks his mom as he gets out of their SUV.
“JAMES! Language! Just because your father isn’t around doesn’t mean you get to talk like that!”
His mom looks stressed rocking the usual bags under the eyes haven’t taken care of myself in decades middle America mom look. But she fondly smiles at the skating rink.
“You said it yourself you go to the skatepark all the time!”, she slaps his arm and tries to lead him towards the front door, “besides we used to have fun here all the time”
“It’s…. “
even though he’s an asshole he doesn’t have the heart to tell her that it’s a skate park and not the skating rink he used to go to when kissing girls was seen as gross.
“....it… it should be fun mom”
“SURPRIIII….IIiiiise?”
As they walk in early Tony, Averie Stardust, Baba, TUT, Bembe, Conor Mayfair and Noelle all wish him a happy birthday. Jimm- sorry. James looks confused. To be fair so do the wrestlers because when she moved to the side so James could see the wrestlers they didn’t expect a teenager. Conor and Noelle rolled their eyes while Tony looked at the boys mom and then back and forth at his roster before giving her a reassuring grin.
TUT walks up to Tony and leans in
“I’m gunna get this kid a real present… but you need to come up with a plan. Aint no way the boys are doing a show for this kid and his shitty friends.”
TUT slaps Tony in the back and leaves him at the bench he’s leaving ing on trying to catch his breath.
“They’re gunna kill me….. they’re GUNNA kill me. Jesus Christ…”
“Misterrrrrr…..?”
Oh god, it’s his mom.
“Russo, right? Mr. Russo?”
Deep breaths Tony, you got this. Put the fake smile on aaaaand
“Yes maaam! Tony Russo, Tony Russos Cheap Pops Pro Wrestling. How are ya?!”
Yyyyuck.it just feels greasy. Like a used car salesman sleazy.
“So how many matches did you have lined up today? The place told me you guys have about thirty or….. forty minutes to entertain my son ?”
You ever see a guy trying to hide fire coming out from his ears and lasers in his eyes? That would be Russo. Her original email told Tony to pull out all the stops for her little boys birthday - but now he has less time than your favorite Netflix show
“Yes. Well…. hopefully we don’t go over. Right? But no big deal if we do”, more used car salesman laughing.
“Well, hopefully not”, shes trying to be nice in a momma bear way but you can see she will kill Tony if she has to, “it’s an extra hour reserve payment if you go over and I’m taking it out of your pay”
Very condescending.
Slightly threatening.
Not at all worth the price.
It’s bad enough Connor decided to try and kill off all of the robot band. He probably won’t even break even on this.
“Well! Let’s get started then hm!”
He'd be lying if he said he didn’t consider having someone take her out right now. But Luckily her child walks back in with TUT, his girlfriend Rarity, and a new game console.
P E P T A L K
“ALRIGHT…. LISTEN UP...HEY”
Like a wartime general…. or a teeball coach. Tony is trying to huddle the troops in their “dressing room” aka the storage room. He’s standing on an old skee ball machine and everyone is in front of him except Hatchet and A$hley. The usual “back of the class cool kids”
“Alright there’s going to be some changes to the card!”
This sets Hatchet off immediately, he doesn’t even know if his match is one of the matches that will be effected but he and A$hley have heard enough.
“Meet me in the fucking ring Prince Akeem, I ain’t got time”, and just like that he left and headed towards the ring.
H A T C H E T
G U L L Y w / A $ H L E Y
V S
B A B A T U N D E
Hatchet ain’t havin it. He Don't want entrance music. He don’t give a fuck if there’s a ref. He just wants his fight and he wants to get paid. Baba though? Different story. He loves the skating rink idea he’s slowly skating with one of those PVC pipes with wheels so he can high five everyone hanging their hands over the barrier. Tony is already looking at his watch and giving Jimmy’s mom a thumbs up as Baba wastes time.. Hatchet has grown impatient, he turns to A$hley who is actually in the DJ booth and nods and suddenly the skate floor turns into a photo of Averie’s face and then her skin melts off all over the floor and Baba nearly falls over from watching it. He didn’t fall over in that moment, but he does after Hatchet hits him with a trash can in his back.
Hatchet rips the skyes off his feet and tells him to have some respect for himself. Hatchet smashes the skate assistant over Baba and throws him towards the ring. “THIS YO MANS?” he screams out to Averie who looks worried. Hatchet and Baba finally get into the ring and that’s where Baba fights back with a Lou Thesz press and lands punches down on Hatchet. Baba had the whole crowd fired up. Okay maybe not the whole crowd, Jimmy and his friends were just staring at their phones and ripping vape clouds. Baba was basically wrestling for the parents and the workers and the little kids who just happened to be there the same day as this party.
Maybe it was the kiss he took time to blow to Averie? Maybe it was him catching her kiss and making sure he tucked it away in his pocket and even locked it so it doesn’t fall out? What the fuck are we saying? Regardless Hatchet got back up and he heard Tony yelling about how there’s no time for this. Hatchet raked Babas eyes and tossed him out of the ring making sure he hurts Tony where it matters the most.
In his wallet.
Now the match went from something you’d see on a wrestling show and went to something you’d see posted on Facebook. Hatchet tossed Baba into every video game trying to damage the screen. He took the wire from the guns you used in Time Crisis and wrapped it around Babas neck just smiling the entire time. Now the parents who were once watching are shielding their children’s eyes. We catch A$hley getting cash given to her by Tony and she head nods towards Hatchet who hits a muscle buster on top of the competitive 4 player Pac-Man table. He rolls Baba off of it and pins him 1-2-3
W I N N E R
H A T C H E T
G U L L Y W / A $ H L E Y
Hatchet spits towards Tony as Averie rushes to Babas defense. First splinters, now she’ll be picking glass out of him after this. She picks him up by the head as Tony tries to apologize but she leaves Tony high and dry refusing to compete.
“Well… I mean…. between that and Zeke Davis not legally being allowed within three hundred yards of here according to this court order that kinda leaves me screwed…”
Less people does mean he might make the time allotted now, let’s try to look at the positives.
“I need you guys to team up…sound good?”, Tony randomly walks backstage as Johnny Dorn and Naty are both eating the ridiculously greasy pizza next to each other. No words just nods as they burn the insides of their mouths on the hot lava red sauce.
“And uhhh…. you two… yeah. Um. Need you guys to team up”, one of the two Tony is pointing at is Uriel. The other one is literally in roller skates giving them the pizza. The guy tries to skate out of the back room and bail but Johnny chases him down and pushes him accelerating him into a concrete post. Meanwhile Naty throws Uriel towards the ring in the background and the two of them begin to fight.
“What about me?”, Noelle asks noticing they have ran out of people in the back room for her to wrestle.
Tony looks around acting like he has a plan instead of just apologizi-
“YOU KNOW WHAT RUSSO?! IM NOT GUNNA GIVE YOU THE SATISFACTION OF ME LEAVING!”
Averie! She didn’t leave! But Tony does begin to laugh as he folds a chair up next to him and hands it to Noelle.
“Go nuts.”
D O R N & N A T Y & N O E L L E
VS
A V E R I E & U R I E L & V I C T I M
On the outside of the ring there were two legs sticking straight up out of a trash can squirming as Johnny Dorn laughed and tries to fuck someone’s mom. Noelle was taking a steel chair to Averie Stardust only feet away from that. Inside the ring, Naty had the cradle DDT set up and she hit the Boido Ni and pinned Uriel for the 1-2-3. The referee didn’t even know there was a match. Russo slid into the ring and counted before heading to the bell and ringing it as well.
W I N N E R
D O R N & N A T Y & N O E L L E
You know what’s wild? Dorn actually got the attention of these teenage kids by beating up the nerd in the roller skates giving them pizza. He’s good with the kids, that’s what he tells these moms.
“Okay….okokokokok…. that worked out that worked out good thinking Tony okay….”
Talking to himself, Russo looks at his watch then the clock on the wall and his cell phone clock.
“Oh god. We have ten minutes… fuck. FUCK.”
C H A N C E
K E L L Y
V S
C O N O R
M A Y F A I R
Chance Kelly, who were pretty sure has been at the bar for a week, is making his first appearance and suddenly Santana aint the drunkest dude in the house. But the booze proved to pay off as far as pain threshold goes because Connor was deliver in kicks that grabbed the attention of everyone under that roof. Chance laughed it off like an extra from fight club, but when Connor tried a spinning back kick Chance just swung an empty beer bottle like a convenient store worker kicking someone out and smashed it over Conors head.
Okay now we’re not sure which one of theses dudes has a higher threshold, Connor immediately began to bleed, but he bent over to grab a piece of the glass and as Chance was being lectured by Russo about how you’re never supposed to take your drink onto the skate floor Conor chops Chance down like a tree in the garden using kicks before pinching his cheeks and nose to make him open his mouth and Conor dumps some of the broken glass in and hits a knee to the jaw then hits the ropes and hits a bicycle knee and OKAY NOW EVERYONE IS WATCHING.
Jimmy’s mother is fucking horrified, but to be fair she’d be angrier if she saw him outside getting high as fuck behind the building five minutes ago. Now Connor bleeds from the forehead and Chance is dripping blood from the mouth. The two of them decide to meet in the middle of the ring but Chance hits a headbutt and as Connors eyes water Chance takes control of the match. It’s hard to see through tears, plus Connor refuses to believe his eyes even manifest tears because Devin’s don’t cry.
BUT here we are.
It’s not like Chance is a technical expert,
He’s just trying to bludgeon Connor with clothesline’s and forearms. Toss in the occasional ddt and he’s got himself a near fall. Chance then told Jimmy to collect all the beer bottles and he did, drinking whatever’s left at the bottom of them like every douchey teenager would but he slides them into the ring and one by one Connor and Chance smash beer bottles over each other’s heads and across the bridge of their nose. Chance actually grabbed a “bottles only” trash can and dumped it into the ring - but in a Nostradamus event Connor front kicks Chance right in the chest and as he gasps for a quick breath Connor Suplexes Chance onto the bottles and the glass all snaps as the teenagers all get their phones out. Chance still tries to get a breath but Connor dives down with a double stomp and whatever glass broke across his back before is now imbedded in his skin. Devil May Care. 1-2-3
W I N N E R
C O N O R
M A Y F A I R
Tony is hunched over a table in front of the bar drinking whiskey and eating an entire pizza to himself. He’s down bad again today. Arcade machines, clean up fee, hes over the allotted time. If someone tells Santana at this point there’s a good chance tha-
Tony’s head spins to the entrance of the bar and sees people running away from the skate floor screaming. Seriously it looks like there’s a shooting in progress. Tony doesn’t even react, he just grabs another slice.
“Ladies and Gentleman. Santana.”
With a bit of a snicker he takes a large bite out of the pizza
“WHAT THE FUCK THE TOP OF MY MOUTH IS ON FIRE, HELLO?”
There’s no bartender. No server. They’re all gathered around the skate floor gawking at the main event. Tony couldn’t care less. Santana and Bembe against TUT & Jersey Jim? How much more money will Santana end up costing Tony tonight? Well, whatever is happening literally has the attention of the entire building because Everyone has their phones out. Well, well, well.
Maybe there’s a viral moment he capitalize o-
“NOOOOOO!”
A L R E A D Y
I N
P R O G R E S S
J E R S E Y
J I M
L U Z Z A T T O
& T U T
V S
S A N T A N A
& B E M B E
B R I G H T W E L L
Tony screams out as he pushes his way to the front of the crowd to see Santana being held against the ring post BY TUT as Jersey Jim whips away at his back using his weight belt. A fucking PR nightmare. Oh where is Bembe you ask? Well, TUT got a smoke machine and the entire skate floor is full of a weird fog as clouds and lightning play on the 3D floor so Bembe has buried himself in the corner as he hides in the fetal position. They had this perfectly scouted, TUT and Jim figured out a perfect game plan, but the execution is NOT ideal for the future of Cheap Pops. Tony gets into the ring and reassures that eventhough his daughter dates people that look like Santana that he cannot get away with anything that looks like he’s …. welll you know.
Nope, Jim doesn’t know. He doesn’t give a shit about PC culture. He tries to explain that he would whip Bembe the same way, brother. But Santana isn’t afraid of thunderstorms…. maybe if they did like a visual of a po- NO NO NO NO NO. Russo tells him to stop and whoever is doing the 3D floor models seems to think that Russo is talking to him. As the thunder and fake light int stop Bembe uncovers his head and OKAY NOW HES MAD. He points to the DJ and tells him to play his JAM.
‘ABC’ by the Jackson 5 kicks on over the speakers and Bembe is FIRED UP. He runs into the ring like a kid jacked up on Fun Dip. Hurricaranas. Tornado DDTs. Handspring back elbows and even a top rope springboard double bulldog! Santana, recovers and this motherfucker takes his own belt off and HES WHIPPING JERSEY JIM! The CPPW Heavyweight Champion is being WHIPPED. The welts raise up on his back and Jersey Jim BAILS?! WTF?! He grabs his championship and hightails it out of there. Now TUT is backed into a corner and Bembe, who is wearing Santana merch, takes his shirt off and twists it up like a high school bully who snaps towels and starts threatening TUT menacingly. TUT figures he has one chance here and he charges Santana who dodged him and throws him against the ropes but as he rebounds he hits the TNT charging uppercut and Bembe does like three rotations in mid air.
Damn. RIP.
BLACKOUT IN CHIRAQ! SANTANA HIT A WRESTLING MOVE! TUT falls to one knee and Santana makes sure he pays for it. KNEE after KNEE after KNEE after KNEE aft- white towel?! Wtf. Who threw in the white towel?!
Russo. Dumb question should’ve known.
W I N N E R
S A N T A N A
& B E M B E
B R I G H T W E L L
Again, Santana picks up Bembe who tells him happy birthday as he carries him out of the ring but now all of CPPW sees the bias as Tony checks in on TUT who isn’t pleased with the white towel. Neither is Rarity, but TUT is more co corned with where the hell Jersey Jim went?
Tony tells Jimmy’s mom he’s gunna walk TUT out to the car in case he has a concussion. Obviously she reminds him that he owes her for another hour because she only had the reservation for thirty minutes. Unfortunately she’d never see Tony again, because in true Carmy fashion he left the second he loaded TUT into the car.