Real Men - Past, Present, and Future

An obvious ripoff of The Who plays as our champ stands in the front parking lot of a building with the title belt around his waist. “This is CPPW Heavyweight Champion 'Jersey' Jim Luzzatto standing in front of the United SKATES of America! We're gonna celebrate the birthday of another Jimmy! I'm talkin' to you, Jimmy Williams! It's a pro wrestling birthday bonanza brought to you by Cheap Pops Pro Wrestling!”

We cut to Joey Moretti inside the building on the rink. He poorly tries to hide his wobbly legs on skates with two young half-naked ladies slowly skating at his sides. They hold him up with linked arms. Moretti tries concealing the nerves in his voice. “Ha, that's right! There's gonna be pizza!”


“Laser tag!”


“And over 500 video games! As well as the famous state of the art skating rink I'm on right now!”

We cut back to Jim in front of the building. “Holy moley! That sounds like fun! There's even a bar for the adults! They'll have somewhere to go during the women's matches! It's also where I plan to get to know Mrs. Williams a little better if ya know what I mean!”


“That's after the main event! You don't wanna miss this one, brother! All you dirtsheet writers and internet marks say I hold the young wrestlers down! All the jealous guys in the back say I hold them down!”

Jim pretends to wipe tears from his eyes.

“'Waaaaah! Put my flippy ass over, Jersey Jim!' 'Waaaaah! Put my favorite vanilla midget over cuz he works hard!' 'Waaaaah! Why is Jim holding them all back?!'”


“I've heard it for years! You don't have an eye for this business like I do! I've been waiting for a young talent who deserves to get the Jersey Jim rub! At the United SKATES of America at Cheap Pops 6, you're gonna see me – a pro wrestling legend and a global megastar – team with the future of this business, brother! Me 'n' T.U.T. are in a Tag Team Match against Santana Johnson and Bembe Brightwell – a deathmatch goof and some scrawny geek in a mask!”

Jim bellows out a laugh.

“One guy jumps off roofs for 17 cents and a Pizza Hut coupon! The other guy wears a mask cuz he probably can't even legally be around children! That ain't nothin' for Jimmy Williams to look up to, brother! Now look at me 'n' T.U.T.! We're tall! We're dark! We're handsome! We're larger than life! I'm a multi-time Heavyweight Champion and a big time Hollywood movie star! T.U.T. is gonna be one too! No doubt! Me and him – we're real men! We give all the children something to aspire to! Look at us, Jimmy Williams! Lift some weights,” Jim flexes an arm, “drink milk, and take your vitamins! Then you too can look like us and be like us if you grow to be over six feet tall!”

We cut to Jim inside the building with Moretti behind him on the rink, still being slowly pulled along by those ladies on skates and trying hard to look like he's not scared out of his fucking mind.

“So come down to the United SKATES of America and celebrate Jimmy Williams' birthday with Cheap Pops Pro Wrestling! All the pizza, skating, laser tag–” Over Jim's shoulder, we see Moretti lose his balance and pull those two ladies down with him. They make very loud thuds, but Jim continues without pause. “and video games you can handle and so much more! Then to top it all off; the past, present, and future of professional wrestling – 'Jersey' Jim Luzzatto and T.U.T. – are gonna beat up those goobers in the Tag Team Main Event, brother! I've got 8x10's for $20! I've got an ass kicking for Santana and Bembe! I got the future of this business in my corner! I got a special little man to entertain on his birthday and a special mom to entertain afterward! And together we're gonna have the greatest birthday party everrrrr!”


The music volume increases. We end on a graphic plugging the show, giving the venue's address, and an image of Luzzatto striking a double bicep pose with those half-naked ladies on skates standing on each side.