Post by Jersey Jim Luzzatto on Mar 7, 2021 14:40:13 GMT
Everyone in town is here for the Cheap Pops Pro Wrestling Extravaganza! Dads in tank tops soak up the sun. Old ladies are out for the young male wrestlers and aforementioned local dads. There's chubby little Bobby with a green snot bubble. All these people stand around the blue carpet in front of The Bricktown Theatre. There's a buzz this town has never seen before.
“Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns 'N' Roses plays in loop from big, dusty speakers on a shitty parade float approaching the theatre. Joey Moretti runs around in front of the float like a maniac, wearing a tacky jacket with Jim Luzzatto's face and “JERSEY JIM IS FOREVER” airbrushed on the back. Moretti's yelling so much into the megaphone that his face turns as red as his jacket.
Luzzatto is on the float surrounded by dancing Hooters girls. You know this is a big occasion because Luzzatto wears a tuxedo with the sleeves cut off. His animated body language would have one think this was a nationally televised parade in Manhattan! He's really hamming it up for this small town crowd! To be fair, this is the charisma that made him one of the biggest box office draws in history.
The Hooters girls light sparklers before stepping off the float, lining each side of the blue carpet. Someone stays back on the float to set off Roman candles that shoot 50 feet. Luzzatto steps onto the blue carpet, cupping his ears and flexing those ams.
Sam Oberman approaches with a microphone. His own tuxedo and bow tie are par for the course. The music is turned off to allow Oberman's stern voice to take over the speakers. “Ladies and gentlemen!” The locals won't stop screaming. “It's an Extravaganza! I'm here with 'Jersey' Jim Luzzatto on the blue carpet! Jim, you're competing for the CPPW Heavyweight Championship at Cheap Pops 5! How are you feeling before this big main event match?!”
Luzzatto talks through the locals' chanting and heckling. “Let me tell ya somethin', 'Surly' Sam! When I came to Cheap Pops Pro Wrestling, I said tha– shut up, fat boy!” That stokes the locals! Luzzatto has to shout louder. “I said I'd put this company on my back! I've done it show after show! Now it's time to put the strap on me, brother! Not on any of these flippy geeks! Not on some indy mark in a mask! Not on a deathmatch goof! And definitely not on one of these little Japanese joshi girls with their joshi poo-roo-ray-zu! It's a heavyweight championship, brother! And it don't get heavier than these bazooka biceps! Check 'em out!”
Luzzatto flexes his arm in front of Oberman's face.
“Jim, I've been looking at your arms for 40 years! It sounds like you don't have much respect for your opponent tonight – Naty Zenigata!”
“There's a crossover between joshi poo-roo-ray-zu marks and those giving me one-star match ratings on the message boards, brother! Buncha fat nerds clickity clackin' on their keyboards! They can list every Toyota Mitsubishi match but can't tell ya what a vagina feels like! You look at little Naty Ichigawa, brother, and ya know what I see?!” A small pocket does a brief “ZEN-I-GA-TA” chant to let Jim know her name, but the other hecklers drown it. “She's a tiny Japanese joshi poo-roo-ray-zu so-called 'wrestler'! She's one of those indie darlings that wouldn't stand out on a Manhattan street corner! Well, that's unless she offers a sucky sucky for five dollars!”
Oberman is appalled. “Oh come on!”
“She's everything these internet indie marks love in a wrestler! That's why I'm gonna looooove tearing her apart inside The Bricktown Theatre at the Cheap Pops Extravaganza! Then when she shows her Japanese fighting spirit, and she's throwin' forearms at my muscular pecs, and the internet marks are jumpin' around their mommy's basement and hootin' 'n' hollerin' 'n' spillin' their Mountain Dew, I'm gonna slap on a Headlock! I'm gonna crush Naty's neck! I'm gonna crush her hopes and dreams! The joshi poo-roo-ray-zu marks are gonna beg! 'No, Jim! Don't do that to little Naty! We love little Naty!' Then when my arm gets raised, they'll cry into their anime sex pillow! But not before they see me rockin' the Cheap Pops Pro Wrestling Heavyweight – not Flippy-Midget-Weight, not Joshiweight, but Heavyweight Championship! 'Jersey' Jim Luzzatto – Cheap Pops Heavyweight Champion! Now that's five stars, brother!”
Luzzatto continues down the blue carpet, basking in the heel heat.
“Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns 'N' Roses plays in loop from big, dusty speakers on a shitty parade float approaching the theatre. Joey Moretti runs around in front of the float like a maniac, wearing a tacky jacket with Jim Luzzatto's face and “JERSEY JIM IS FOREVER” airbrushed on the back. Moretti's yelling so much into the megaphone that his face turns as red as his jacket.
Luzzatto is on the float surrounded by dancing Hooters girls. You know this is a big occasion because Luzzatto wears a tuxedo with the sleeves cut off. His animated body language would have one think this was a nationally televised parade in Manhattan! He's really hamming it up for this small town crowd! To be fair, this is the charisma that made him one of the biggest box office draws in history.
The Hooters girls light sparklers before stepping off the float, lining each side of the blue carpet. Someone stays back on the float to set off Roman candles that shoot 50 feet. Luzzatto steps onto the blue carpet, cupping his ears and flexing those ams.
Sam Oberman approaches with a microphone. His own tuxedo and bow tie are par for the course. The music is turned off to allow Oberman's stern voice to take over the speakers. “Ladies and gentlemen!” The locals won't stop screaming. “It's an Extravaganza! I'm here with 'Jersey' Jim Luzzatto on the blue carpet! Jim, you're competing for the CPPW Heavyweight Championship at Cheap Pops 5! How are you feeling before this big main event match?!”
Luzzatto talks through the locals' chanting and heckling. “Let me tell ya somethin', 'Surly' Sam! When I came to Cheap Pops Pro Wrestling, I said tha– shut up, fat boy!” That stokes the locals! Luzzatto has to shout louder. “I said I'd put this company on my back! I've done it show after show! Now it's time to put the strap on me, brother! Not on any of these flippy geeks! Not on some indy mark in a mask! Not on a deathmatch goof! And definitely not on one of these little Japanese joshi girls with their joshi poo-roo-ray-zu! It's a heavyweight championship, brother! And it don't get heavier than these bazooka biceps! Check 'em out!”
Luzzatto flexes his arm in front of Oberman's face.
“Jim, I've been looking at your arms for 40 years! It sounds like you don't have much respect for your opponent tonight – Naty Zenigata!”
“There's a crossover between joshi poo-roo-ray-zu marks and those giving me one-star match ratings on the message boards, brother! Buncha fat nerds clickity clackin' on their keyboards! They can list every Toyota Mitsubishi match but can't tell ya what a vagina feels like! You look at little Naty Ichigawa, brother, and ya know what I see?!” A small pocket does a brief “ZEN-I-GA-TA” chant to let Jim know her name, but the other hecklers drown it. “She's a tiny Japanese joshi poo-roo-ray-zu so-called 'wrestler'! She's one of those indie darlings that wouldn't stand out on a Manhattan street corner! Well, that's unless she offers a sucky sucky for five dollars!”
Oberman is appalled. “Oh come on!”
“She's everything these internet indie marks love in a wrestler! That's why I'm gonna looooove tearing her apart inside The Bricktown Theatre at the Cheap Pops Extravaganza! Then when she shows her Japanese fighting spirit, and she's throwin' forearms at my muscular pecs, and the internet marks are jumpin' around their mommy's basement and hootin' 'n' hollerin' 'n' spillin' their Mountain Dew, I'm gonna slap on a Headlock! I'm gonna crush Naty's neck! I'm gonna crush her hopes and dreams! The joshi poo-roo-ray-zu marks are gonna beg! 'No, Jim! Don't do that to little Naty! We love little Naty!' Then when my arm gets raised, they'll cry into their anime sex pillow! But not before they see me rockin' the Cheap Pops Pro Wrestling Heavyweight – not Flippy-Midget-Weight, not Joshiweight, but Heavyweight Championship! 'Jersey' Jim Luzzatto – Cheap Pops Heavyweight Champion! Now that's five stars, brother!”
Luzzatto continues down the blue carpet, basking in the heel heat.