CHEAP POPS PRO 3: BLACK FRIDAY

SO
T H I S
I S
C H R I S T M A S

“Guys, listen, it’s Christmas. Just let me out so I can go see my family it’s been a month”

Tony’s hair, well what’s left of it anyways is disheveled. He looks like he hasn’t slept in days, but to be honest it also looks like he’s lost a bit of weight.

A woman looks over at stony in white medical scrubs, “We told you, sir. We can’t let you out when you’re suicidal. Just be glad the officers believed you and took you here instead of jail”

He leans forward and stares at the door
“Don't even think about it” the same woman says in passing as she drops off a paper cup of meds, “you know the drill”

He throws the cup of pills back like a shot and how’s her the inside of his mouth so she knows he’s not hiding the pills. Then she walks away. It’s like groundhogs day in this place for Tony, the only reason he knew it was Christmas was the medical staff dressing festive.

“I have to get the fuck out of here…” he said spitting the pills out into his hand.

He swallowed them halfway like he used to do bags of cocaine during traffic stops. Anyways, the television in the place is broken and the nuthouse staff is slowly losing control. Somehow, like professor X controlling the mutants, Tony steps in front of the chairs directed towards the tv and waves his hands around trying to get their attention.

“I got this I got this… hey…. hey up here. Focus on me ….” He’s snapping his fingers like he’s trying to get a toddler to look at the right camera during their photo with Santa.

“I have a story…. I have a story….. okay so… once upon a time there was a genius wrestling promoter, right? And he booked the MALL on Black Friday…..”





We’re time traveling now. To black Friday at the mall when Tony had his last Cheap Pops show. Everyone has been waiting for the video to be released, but with Tony stuck in the nuthouse because of his constant over exaggeration of seg harm? It can’t happen. Plus, you know the charges against him. So instead this is like a way Wayne’s World thing.

Tony is standing on the second level watching the ring being constructed like a proud ….. well let’s be honest Tony feels like a god. But it’s probably just the perspective. The construction of the ring has drawn a crowd so hopefully they stick around for awhile and watch the sh- OH WHAT THE FUCK

Tony is spun around and Santana has his hand around his throat

SANTANA: aymuthafuckaYOUlistenandlisten good.

He mumbling with the point of a knife pressed against Tony’s suit jacket.

SANTANA: Tana need mo money or I ain’t showin to the main event. I got Christmas and I gotta buy Lisa Seldon SOMETHIN so whatchu got?

This seems less like a hold out and more like an actual mugging. It’s in broad daylight on the second level of the mall by the movie theatre entrance which explains why nobody has screamed or called the police because movie theatres inside a mall is a dumb idea.

TONY: I-I-I

SANTANA: youeithergetmemoremoney mother fucker orimgbostinthisfuckinshow. YOU GOT ME?!

He lets Tony go and Tony reaches into his wallet and starts scanning through his cards and seeing if any of them are what Santana is looking for

SANTANA: NOPE…..NAH…. next….. TONY WHAT IM GON DO WITH A CRSCKER BARREL GIFT CARD?!

Truth is, Tony is fucking broke. He’s lives show to show and gambles everything else away. He got door buster hand outs to give his kids from the mall and they’ll never realize it because kids don’t go to malls. Santana scoffs at Tony amd leaves.

TONY: PLEASE DON'T! I NEED this show Santana please do-

He’s gone. But as Tony drops to his knees and his head falls in his hands, Bembe walks by.

BEMBE: you praying for good weather too? You know I wonder how st- how st- how st- how strong that gl-gl-gl-glass is.

TONY: ….. and I wonder if I just throw myself from this balcony if my kids will get stuck with my debts….

They both slowly look at each other and Bembe walks away…

“That’s why he’s in here… “

“Because he got robbed by Santana?”

“No he tri-“

Tony looks over at the “nut house residents” and smiles before continuing his story

F R I D A Y 

Uriel, a new comer to cheap pops is probably the darkest cloud that carries around a very ominous presence. The exact opposite could be said for Naty, she’s not even from this country but she seems to have adapted to the culture well - and with a smile. Naturally the fans love it, and they were behind her as she started the match hot with some dropkicks and quick warm drags causing Uriel to retreat. Uriel knocked a couple popcorns over in the front row and scared some of the kids too, but Naty wasn’t a big fan of that. The fans cheered as she came out too and they fought on the outside until Uriel shoved Naty into the metal stairs. Uriel tried to rearrange Naty’s face slamming into the steps and following it up with some clinched knees and elbows. She rolled Naty into the ring and suplexed her before trying a quick count but only got a near fall.

Naty fights back with a surge from the crowd, but Uriel rakes the eyes and backs Naty into the corner with hard strokes and elbows. Naty catches a kick and puts the leg on the middle rope and slips out from the corner allowing her to hit some shoot kicks before backing up and catching her breath Uriel recovers in the corner but doesn’t see the Yakuza Kick and the quick follow up with Boido Ni cradle DDT and Naty gets the Win!

N A T Y

Z E N I G A T A 

Tony seems out of breath, it’s almost like he was acting out the entire match. The patients seem into it clapping for the Naty victory.

TONY: I’ll be honest I didn’t think Naty was going to be a good piece in Cheap Pops but she’s proved herself

He looks up at the tv and notices that it still isn’t working and at this point he doesn’t have a choice but to continue.

TONY: …. and then there’s this kid… Baybay… I think?



Bembe makes his way through the crowd and one woman dressed in an apron with her name tag in it gives Bembe a kiss. Is that his mom? If it was that kiss was weird, but she seems to be a huge Bembe fan. Noelle on the other hand wants NOTHING to do with the fans. She seems disgusted to be in a mall in 2020, but as Bembe blew kisses at the woman in the apron Noelle wasted no time ambushing him viciously in the corner stomping him down HARD. She even hit a wheel barrow Suplex into the corner and Bembe hit his head and for quite some time after that he seemed dazed and confused.

Bembe did suck a discus clothesline and tried to jump on the middle rope but missed and slid out of the ring. That’s gunna go viral, I really hope they don’t post that on the internet. Bembe’s “fan” seemed worried and tried to push her way to the front and see if he was okay, but Noelle shoved her!

BEMBE: CHERYL!

He cried out as she stumbled like an elderly woman in an elevator who got her hat forcibly removed. Noelle is bitching her out now, but behind her Bembe has stood up and for the first time in a while he looks angry. Bembe slid into the ring and waits for Noelle to turn around and Bembe FLIES over the top ro- he missed. Good god did he miss. Noelle rolled him in, but he kicked out at TWO! Noelle locks him into a guillotine choke and he’s in the middle of the ring with nowhere to go. Cheryl starts a clap and the fans bring Bembe to life as he manages to stand up to his feet and run into the corner breaking the guillotine. Bembe hopped to the turnbuckle and hit a corner bulldog!

BEMBE: that was for you babe!

Okay that’s definitely not his mom, and this is gross now. Bembe hits some deep arm drags and a dropkick to Noelle. Bembe is feeling it now and whips Noelle into the ropes but she hits the discus clothesline and Bembe flipped in the air. She STILL only got a two a count. The image of Bembe being pulled up by his mask was horrific, pretty sure he was crying. She hooked in the Ocean Drop but Bembe flipped over and landed on his feet and tries a crucifix pin but Noelle kicks out quick! Bembe runs towards the ropes and leaps up doing a 180 jumping on the top rope and Lichtenerg Figures! A phoenixrana and Bembe holds on for the three count!

B E M B E 

B R I G H T W E L L 

God damnit he’s done it again! Bembe pulled it off! Noelle is screaming in the middle of the ring and Bembe runs to the small crowd amd jumps into the arms of Cheryl. Her little wrestling stuff, YUYYYUCK.

Again, the nuts are excited and clapping. This might be the best Cheap Pops crowd yet. So far Tony has poached off the crowds of other events and Black Friday was no different, honestly. The medical staff were whispering between each other.

STAFF 1: is he going down the show again?

STAFF 2: Yeah, I thought he might try the flipping thing this time.

STAFF 1: and he’s trying to convince us he’s not crazy? It’s Christmas, I shouldn’t have to listen to this show again.

STAFF 2: ….every single day.

F R I D A Y 

Tony is scrambling trying to find Santana, hoping someone has seen him. Hoping he didn’t actually leave the mall. In the heat of him searching he sees Zeke Davis headed towards the ring.

TONY: have you seen Santana?

ZEKE: …. nice to see you too, boss

TONY: if it was nice to see me you would’ve showed up the first time

ZEKE:.... let’s be honest I didn’t think this was going to make it to the first show. I’m still surprised actually.

TONY: Cool, good talk. Have you seen Santana or not?

ZEKE: yeah he was at the build a bear

Tony’s eyes narrow, he isn’t too sure if he’s serious or not. He walks towards the Build a Bear anyways.


Averie was in the ring first, and honestly were surprised she wasn’t wearing the cow costume again, you know? She was waving the fans and giving them a ton of energy, but they weren’t too responsive. There were three dudes who were super amped to see Zeke Davis. They had signs and everything, which I mean okay? Zeke shoots them a wink and the finger gun. Won't lie, Tony saw the fans amped for Zeke, so whatever he promised them worked. Zeke and Averie started slow trying to test the waters with some technical wrestling. Zeke showing off his abilities by using his size advantage. Averie had to be crafty, and when she got free she used her speed to even the playing ground. Kesagiri Chops and keeping Zeke off balance with running forearms paid off and he found himself in a twisting wrist lock. Zeke had to find the ropes to break the hold.

They’d start all over again with technical wrestling and Zeke had Averie in an abdominal stretch digging his elbow into her ribs. Averie is struggling, and the fans are too.
Technical wrestling in the middle of a mall during Black Friday isn’t exactly an eye grabber. You know? Zeke wasn’t going to get Averie to talk with an abdominal stretch, but he apparently felt like the damage had been done as he let go and transitioned into a headlock. Averie threw Zeke into the ropes and hit a bicycle kick out of nowhere! She only got a near fall, she’d follow up with a tilt a whirl head scissors take down! She took Zeke to the corner and tried to get him set up but he fought it off. A perfectly placed headbutt put Averie down and Zeke wasted no time Doubling Down amd hitting a shooting star press for the quick three!

Z E K E 

D A V I S 

Zeke escapes from the ring quickly, and Averie can’t believe it all happened so fast. He heads over to the guys that were cheering for him and whatever previous agreement they’ve made clearly checks out. Zeke pats Tony on the back and says “until next time” before leaving. Tony doesn’t have time to deal with Zeke coming for the paycheck, he’s trying to find Hatchet Gully and tell him about Santana leaving. He’s looking around and trying to figure out who would know Hatchet, but let’s be honest this is going to end in racial profiling.


STAFF 1: did he just say he asked “Hatchet Gully” types?

STAFF 2: should we ask him?

STAFF 1: it’s Christmas, man. And to be honest I don’t think you can cancel someone locked in the loony bin.

STAFF 2: this guy is a publicity nightmare, and he runs a wrestling company?

STAFF 1: hes a carny

Tony has his hands clasped together as he tries to explain the arm wrestling thing, and why he would do something like that in 2020. He also tried to explain that he talked to Zeke’s little cheering section and discovered the Only Fans agreement. Imagine trying to explain what only fans is to a group of people who try to eat their own fingers.



So, the crowd had some guys that all paid $10 and signed a waiver to try and beat Jersey Jim. Jim made sure to tell them that the 8x10 is another $25. After Tony got the challengers all lined up Jersey Jim had himself a 15 minute entrance down the escalator as his music looped five different times. As half the crowd cleared out from boredom and a loss of interest Jim got into the ring and was just demolishing them one by one. He did try to play it up and take about two minutes to set up, let the guys think they have a chance but then he just smashes their hands to the pad. Jim taunts the crowd as Babatunde comes into the ring and sets up telling Jersey Jim to get ready.

Jim ignores him; cupping his ear to the crowd to get the dozens of people still standing here watching arm wrestling during Black Friday when the lego store is 50% off. Jim dramatically spins around and locks in with Babatunde and to be honest, Baba is stone walking him. You can tell Jim isn’t pretending because his eyes are nearly bulging out of his head. Baba had his head back and it looks like he’s summoning the go- WOAH WHAT THE FUCK?! Why is there microphone feedback?! It distracted Babatunde but somehow Jim seems unphased and SLAMS Baba’s hand. What the hell how was Jim unphased?! As Baba’s head drops in disappointment he leaves the ring. Jim inconspicuously removes ear plugs and throws Them aside raising his hand in victory.

Wait, there’s one more? Dude has long black Emo hair and is wearing a Jersey Jim long sleeve shirt. Jim asks the fans if he should do one more? And the 20 people there are like “sure...yeah whatever” but you’d think they lit the roof on fire because Jim is ready to go. He spins around again and locks in for the last arm wre-JERSEY JIMS HAND GERS SLAMMED?! WHAT THE FUCK?! ITS DEAD SILENT EVEN JIM CSNT FIGURE IT OUT. The emo kid RIPS HIS HAIR OFF?! IT WAS A WIG COVERING HIS FACE!

I T S
B E N
E V E R E S T

Ben rips the jersey Jim shirt right down the middle and flexes as Jim stumbles backwards still in shock. We’re all in shock. I wonder if Ben paid for that shirt? Either way he’s giving middle fingers to everyone.


So, of course as Tony is telling the story his shirt is ripped down the middle and now he’s giving middle fingers to everyone he’s telling the story to. If the whole cheap pops thing doesn’t work out he’ll certainly have a future in Shakespeare in the Park or something.

So with his shirt disheveled and head covered in sweat, Tony continues on to talk about about what ended up being the main event.

Between matches Tony was running around ripping down all the flyers that said Santana was in the main event. He can’t find the guy and he knows how this goes, he doesn’t want to get sued. On his way around the arena he runs into Hatchet, just hanging out eating an apple. He does have a REALLY sharp knife though that he’s using to cut pieces of the apple. Tony hides the flyers behind him, but Hatchet wasn’t born yesterday he knows. All he needed was a head nod to ask Tony what he was doing.

TONY: I- uh…. listen Hatchet. Santana he uh… he held me up for money. He’s garbage, he’s a piece of shit. I’m going to bury him in this business he’ll never work again!

Hatchet couldn’t manage to care less, he just keeps eating the apple which is so cool amd mob boss like honestly. Also where do you get an apple at the mall?

TONY: If you do see him tell him that. Tell him I’m gunna make sure he rots in hell for this…

With another quick head motion Hatchet wipes the knife off and tosses Tony the apple. What thenfuck does that even me- why is there a hand on Tony’s shoul- it’s Santana isn’t it? Yup.

SANTANA: fuck make you think I ain’t showin up Tony Russo? Huh? You gon bury Santana m? That’s what you gon-do you gunna bury Santana? Okay…. okay let’s bury Santana Tony Russo…

With a firm grasp on his suit jacket Santana walks away dragging Tony Russo with him.



Conor was standing in the corner mean mugging Johnny as he got into the ring. Honestly, Johnny’s best bet here is to try and turn this one into a street fight; legally of course. But as the bell rings he didn’t have a choice because Conor stormed to the middle of the ring and to his credit so did Dorn. He doesn’t back down, whether that’s a good or bad idea is yet to be seen. Mid ring those two threw some brutal shots, but when Dorn got the upper hand with an uppercut Conor quickly turned to his mat based mauling. For a man that is smaller in stature his mat based wrestling is brutal. Conor had a front headlock and gator rolled him back and forth in the ring throwing some knees to Johnny’s shoulders. Somehow Dorn managed to contort his body in a panic as he lost his breath and even shocked himself a bit as he threw together some chips and an enzigurri. He had Conor off balance, but couldn’t capitalize all the way - Conor just used wrestling to get back into the match again.

Dorn tried to low blow Conor to get out of a headlock, but Conor pinned his arm between his knees and caught it and delivered a stiff right hand that busted Johnny’s lip. But man you’d think someone gave Johnny a key bump because this fucking dude saw the blood on his lip and was reborn. He started talking shit to Conor who slapped him a couple times and Johnny stormed forward and started bar brawling with Conor. Punches, knees, he even stomped on his foot and ear slapped him. He was beating the fuck out of Conor, but he got cocky and gave Conor enough room to charge ahead and nearly blast his head off with a running boot.

Now Conor was talking shit, a LOT of it. And he has a weird accent too so it was even more insulting. Conor deadlift German suplexed Dorn and didn’t stop there - he kept hitting consecutive German suplexes and bridged one for a pin but Johnny kicked out at 2. No bother to him, he had Johnny pinned in the corner now and was trying to break a rib with shoulder thrusts. Straight Savage shit; admittedly it looked worse because Johnny’s lip was bleeding. But Johnny did manage to hop up to the second rope and have Conor hit the turnbuckle shoulder first. Dorn jumped off and hit a ddt quickly but Conor kicked out at 2.

Dorn stalked him as he got up, obviously looking at hitting the Shot of Malort ace crus- NO! Conor shoved him off! And tried a Pele kick but Johnny sucked it he booted Conor in the gut and tried a quick power bom- WAIT CONOR HELD ON! Conor has the triangle choke locked in and Dorn is struggling to get out! He’s flailing his arms and Conor is screaming at Dorn to tap, but Dorn gives him the middle finger. That’s a lot of middle fingers for a family mall show. Eventually Dorn passes out.

C O N O R 

M A Y F A I R 

Conor refuses to let go until Noelle slides into the ring and breaks the lock getting him out of the ring. Johnny looks defeated, which makes sense since he was, but that’s until Johnny’s boys run up to the ring with the ps5 in hand and hold it above their heads so really who wins in the end you know? This softens the blow of the loss for Johnny as they head home to probably yell racist shit at 9 year olds for camping in the houses on the Nuketown map.

But this is where it gets weird. This is why Tony is in the nuthouse, the reason he got arrested. You see down below there was a merch table set up for all the boys to get some fans to buy their shit. It was black Friday of course and Jim was selling merch for a discounted price of 49.99 - down from $50.00. And while fans were around the table waiting for Jim - who were pretty sure left the building Tony Russo came flying down from the second store balcony overlooking the ring. Luckily there were piles of t shirts to break his fall. But when the police checked on him he had a bag of cocaine in every pocket. Not like Johnny and boys bumps. We’re talking a Jersey Jim in the 80s when his girlfriend mysteriously disappeared in Mexico during a tour stash. It exploded everywhere and Tony was covered in cocaine.

After the police did some questioning Bembe had told them Tony mentioned something about killing himself earlier before the show and that’s why he’s in the nuthouse.


So, Tony is pleading his case to his audience but the television behind him has been fixed so they couldn’t give less of a fuck because the Price is Right was on. Tony realized this and walked to the back of the room again

TONY: fucking Santana if I ever see his ass again I swear to god I’ll

SANTANA: YOU GON DO WHAT TONY RUSSO?!

What the fuck why is Santana wearing a wig? And why is he dressed as a fucking orderly? Okay but back to the wig it’s blonde and it doesn’t look natural at all.

SANTANA: get in the laundry bin Tony Russo, ain’t no damn feds around right now and Santana needs to get paid

TONY: a-are you breaking me out?

SANTANA: NAW I’m taking you to the laundry room

They stare at each other for a second. The rest of the room, even the staff is watching stupid fucking Drew Carey pretend to give a shit about Plinko.

SANTANA: yes I’m breaking you out grt in the laundry basket Tony Russo I can’t get paid with you in here

So, yeah. Santana broke Tony Russo out of the nuthouse on Christmas. A true Christmas Miracle. And you all harassed me about how late the results were and I bet you feel stupid now don’t you? You should. You cunts.