Post by Jersey Jim Luzzatto on Oct 29, 2020 22:05:25 GMT
“Jersey” Jim Luzzatto admires his shiny, oiled, behemoth biceps next to the “Surly” Sam Oberman. They stand in front of a white bed sheet with a skeleton from the Walmart Halloween aisle propped behind them . Oberman has to be standing on something because he's not that tall. The scene is shot above Luzzatto's waist to hide his gut.
Luzzatto wears a black shirt commemorating the 22nd anniversary of getting his win back against The Supreme Fighter on Halloween night in 1998. You can buy it at his merchandise table this weekend according to the marquee at the bottom of the screen. His daughter will run the table during the show and, according to the marquee, she is hot and single.
Oberman, in his tuxedo and bow tie, starts us off with that voice any wrestling fan would find euphonious . “Ladies and gentlemen! I am here with 'Jersey' Jim Luzzatto for Cheap Pops Pro Wrestling! It's Spookyszn this weekend at Spirit Halloween! Jim, you're hosting a Halloween Special Over The Top Challenge ag–”
Luzzatto finally stops admiring his arms. “Jersey Jim's Halloween Special Over The Top Challenge! That's how you know it's the real main event event! It's in the middle of the show but Tony's booking me like they did on Saturday nights in the '80s! I wouldn't expect the young marks to know that! But why else is Santana closing the show after I beat him at Carmageddon?! Him and Ben Everest are mopping floors as fans leave! Everyone knows it's 'Jersey' Jim who's putting another company on his back, Surly Sam! They're all coming to see a global megastar and these bazooka biceps at Spirit Halloween!”
Luzzatto gives us another flex.
“Jim, you're taking on Bembe Brightwell! But... I believe you have a public service announcement?”
“That's right, Surly Sam! I got Trick or Treat Safety Advice! I can't relate to all the twig-arm dads, the marshmallow moms, and their defective offspring; but I can tell you how to not be a victim to me and these pipes on Halloween!”
He sneaks in another pose before a transition.
“This ain't about scary costumes! It sure ain't about COVID! But I should rip your tongue out if you believe in that NSA Thought Police garbage!”
Oberman shoots a quick look to someone off-camera, startled and perplexed. He's speechless as Jim thunders on without pause.
“No! This goes to all the masked wrestlers out there! That might go over in Mexico but you're gonna be jerkin' curtains in the good ol' USA! When you're not jerkin' alone if ya know what I mean!”
“Whoa! Easy!”
“This ain't one of your comic books! This is real life and masked wrestlers don't go with American values! Cowards hide their faces! Cowards hide their expressions! Just the sight of a mask tells me you're weak! And if you're too weak to even show your face then what'cho gonna do when there's 300 pounds of peak masculinity comin' at you?! You're gonna get squashed like a jobber and spend your time in the States bumping for stars like me!”
“What about The Nationalist? He wore a ma–!”
“I know modern wrestling fans are all skinny jean-wearing punks! Growing up with participation trophies! But the world outside your parents' basement is split between sheep and wolves! Lemme tell you jabroni marks this – your one-star match reviews and message board whining won't mean anything when you're crying on the ground, brother! Don't wanna be a sheep and get your candy stolen?! Take some vitamins! Go outside! Pump iron! You won't be the big bad wolf like me but you won't be as bad off as my opponent at Spookyszn!”
“Bembe Brightwell is everything I mentioned! He's got a mask because he's a coward! So scared he can't even talk right! He's got no muscles! He'd never make it in the business back in my day! The fact he's allowed to step through those ropes is a disgrace! Bembe Brightwell, bring your biggest participation trophy so I can shove it up your indyriffic ass! Then I'll throw you over the ropes and out of the wrestling business at Slim Jim's Spookyszn!”
“There's no Slim Jim sponsorship, but there you have it! 'Jersey' Jim Luzzatto vs. Bembe Brightwell in 'Jersey' Jim's Halloween Special Over The Top Challenge! We will see your there!”
Luzzatto wears a black shirt commemorating the 22nd anniversary of getting his win back against The Supreme Fighter on Halloween night in 1998. You can buy it at his merchandise table this weekend according to the marquee at the bottom of the screen. His daughter will run the table during the show and, according to the marquee, she is hot and single.
Oberman, in his tuxedo and bow tie, starts us off with that voice any wrestling fan would find euphonious . “Ladies and gentlemen! I am here with 'Jersey' Jim Luzzatto for Cheap Pops Pro Wrestling! It's Spookyszn this weekend at Spirit Halloween! Jim, you're hosting a Halloween Special Over The Top Challenge ag–”
Luzzatto finally stops admiring his arms. “Jersey Jim's Halloween Special Over The Top Challenge! That's how you know it's the real main event event! It's in the middle of the show but Tony's booking me like they did on Saturday nights in the '80s! I wouldn't expect the young marks to know that! But why else is Santana closing the show after I beat him at Carmageddon?! Him and Ben Everest are mopping floors as fans leave! Everyone knows it's 'Jersey' Jim who's putting another company on his back, Surly Sam! They're all coming to see a global megastar and these bazooka biceps at Spirit Halloween!”
Luzzatto gives us another flex.
“Jim, you're taking on Bembe Brightwell! But... I believe you have a public service announcement?”
“That's right, Surly Sam! I got Trick or Treat Safety Advice! I can't relate to all the twig-arm dads, the marshmallow moms, and their defective offspring; but I can tell you how to not be a victim to me and these pipes on Halloween!”
He sneaks in another pose before a transition.
1. DON'T WEAR A MASK
“This ain't about scary costumes! It sure ain't about COVID! But I should rip your tongue out if you believe in that NSA Thought Police garbage!”
Oberman shoots a quick look to someone off-camera, startled and perplexed. He's speechless as Jim thunders on without pause.
“No! This goes to all the masked wrestlers out there! That might go over in Mexico but you're gonna be jerkin' curtains in the good ol' USA! When you're not jerkin' alone if ya know what I mean!”
“Whoa! Easy!”
“This ain't one of your comic books! This is real life and masked wrestlers don't go with American values! Cowards hide their faces! Cowards hide their expressions! Just the sight of a mask tells me you're weak! And if you're too weak to even show your face then what'cho gonna do when there's 300 pounds of peak masculinity comin' at you?! You're gonna get squashed like a jobber and spend your time in the States bumping for stars like me!”
“What about The Nationalist? He wore a ma–!”
2. DON'T BE A SCRAWNY GEEK
“I know modern wrestling fans are all skinny jean-wearing punks! Growing up with participation trophies! But the world outside your parents' basement is split between sheep and wolves! Lemme tell you jabroni marks this – your one-star match reviews and message board whining won't mean anything when you're crying on the ground, brother! Don't wanna be a sheep and get your candy stolen?! Take some vitamins! Go outside! Pump iron! You won't be the big bad wolf like me but you won't be as bad off as my opponent at Spookyszn!”
3. DON'T BE BEMBE BRIGHTWELL
“Bembe Brightwell is everything I mentioned! He's got a mask because he's a coward! So scared he can't even talk right! He's got no muscles! He'd never make it in the business back in my day! The fact he's allowed to step through those ropes is a disgrace! Bembe Brightwell, bring your biggest participation trophy so I can shove it up your indyriffic ass! Then I'll throw you over the ropes and out of the wrestling business at Slim Jim's Spookyszn!”
“There's no Slim Jim sponsorship, but there you have it! 'Jersey' Jim Luzzatto vs. Bembe Brightwell in 'Jersey' Jim's Halloween Special Over The Top Challenge! We will see your there!”