CHEAP POPS PRO 1: CARMAGEDDON

With the sound of a generic clock radio buzzing in the background you’d think a bird would be singing in the background while a beautiful Sunday peaked through a window.

That’s not the case.

A horseshoe hairstyle traces around the back of a portly mans body that barely stirs on a noisy twin bed. He reaches out to swipe at it a couple times before eventually opting to pull it out of the wall.

Peace and quiet. Or so he thought.

Now his phones ringing and he finally stirs enough to grab it.

TONY: uh, ahem, this is Tony Ruzzo

Something jars him in the other side of the phone amd he throws the blankets off revealing a sickening physique topped off by salami sized man nips.

TONY: YOU TELL THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS TO DROP THE RING OFF AND ILL SET IT UP MYSELF

He’s pointing at the phone aggressively to accentuate his raised voice, meanwhile theres poinding on the other side of the wall

TONY: NO, N-N-N-NO. You tell them the agreement was they drop the fucking ring off and set it up and THEN I’ll fucking pay them. WHY would I pay someone for a job they haven’t done yet?!

He stands up from the bed and starts putting on his wrinkly suit before putting it on speaker phone.

??: Tony, brother, listen, brother, I’ll cover it. I’ll pay these fucking marks to set up the ring you just gotta make it worth my while.

TONY: I’ll venmo you

??: No, brother. I wanna go over

Tony rolls his eyes

??: Don't roll your eyes at me brother

How the fuck did he know that was happening through the phone? Tony looks around for cameras in the shitty no-tell-motel.

TONY: Ha, Jim I wouldn’t roll my eye-

JIM: Tony, cut the shit brother. Look. I’ll pay these fucking marks but I wanna go over brother. It’s what’s best for a place like this. Let the legend go over, brother .

TONY: I’ll see you when I get to the dealership


As his rusted out Chevy Malibu, that his dad probably bought from Danny’s dad, Tony slowly pulls onto the beautiful, mega sized, car dealership making sure to avoid the protests going on in the front. Wait.

Protests? Why?

Never mind that for now Tony needs to make sure the ring got set up amd everything was going according to plan. Tony waves to a couple of the dealers who glare him down like he was yelling in a library. Tony seems a bit confused because he can’t find the ring up front near the whacky inflatable arm waving tube men. It’s not even by the fondue station next to the 2020 Silverado’s. Another salesman uses his thumb like a hitchhiker to tell Danny the ring is in the back. Danny pulls through the dealership past the off brand used car lot and sees his ring and folding chairs being put up around the ring.

He brakes for a second and comes to a complete stop. Tony places his head against the steering wheel and looks over at his passenger seat where a full bottle of whiskey sits. If not now then when? As he twists the top off he spills a little o himself when he’s startled by Bembe Brightwell. Tony is LIVID. Now he’s going to smell like a drunk, despite the fact that he already looks like one.

BEMBE: Hey, uh, T-t-Tony. I’m Bembe B-Bri-B-

Tony puts his hand up to silence the young stuttering kid.

TONY: I know who you are bebe, I hired you.

BEMBE: D-did you see the weather? Th-theres

TONY: You sound my muffler. Look kid. I saw the weather and we’re going to be fine. Please, I dont have the time I need to know why they put is in the back of a dealership like we’re Rosa Parks

He rolls the window up and leaves Bembe looking up at the sky in a panic. There’s like, maybe 4 clouds total. If that. But Tony does eventually get out of the car and turns back to see Danny towards the entrance. He throws his hands up in the air and Danny shrugs.

TONY: we’re going to make the best of this. That’s right. We’re going to make the best of this

He’s talking to himself. That’s what he does instead of killing himself over his anxiety

TONY: and in the end well be STEALING CUSTOMERS from Danny fucking THEVENTH.

Danny had a lisp in high school, that’s how Tony knows him. Tonys Uncle ran shows at Danny’s dad’s dealerships. This whole thing is a nostalgia shit show.

Finally someone Tony is actually happy to see, his play by play guy Alan Silverstein. Alan could take or leave Tony, honestly. He got him fired from the air for the stunt he pulled and their both black listed. That’s the only reason he’s here.

ALAN: Tone, did you see what’s happening out front?

TONY: Yeah fondue and a Silverado Taco stand

ALAN: no, Tony. Ugh. The protesters. There’s protesters outside protesting the event.

TONY: ….because of the China virus?

Alan throws his hands in the air and looks around shushing Tony

TONY: what? I’m pretty sure Zagata or whatever is Japanese anyways.

ALAN: TONY! No. Have you not seen my texts?

TONY: I don’t read those things Alan, back in my day we called each other.

Again, visibly annoyed, Alan shakes his head

ALAN: Tony you had one guy end up in jail for walking around the city telling people he was going to kill them.

TONY: that’s the kinda guy we need right there, Alan.

ALAN: Oh really? Great. That’s great. Do we need guys who kill animals too? Because half of the protesters out there are mad because Santana released all of the petshop animals into the city and animal control ended up putting most of them down. You know the ones that Santana didn’t kill.

Tony still seems unphased, he almost seems relieved.

TONY: Good. Then we have a classic good guy versus bad guy in the main event.

ALAN: Jesus, Tony.

TONY: Alan, you’re a Jew please don’t say Jesus.


As people pour into the Carmageddon event, they only manage to trickle into the very back where Tony’s ring is set up. But the show must go on, and Tony is in the ring to welcome everyone to the first annual CHEAP POPS PRO WRESTLING event. He gives Danny a death stare, who in return gives him a thumbs up as Tony welcomes the first match and tries to hype up the crowd around the ring as they give a smattering of applause. But as Tony leaves the ring Alan finds him.

ALAN: Ton-

TONY: I don’t give a shit about the protests Alan.

ALAN: I’m aware. I was trying to tell you that Boston Bennett’s isn’t here for the first match. He didn’t show up. So Johnny Dorn doesn’t have anyone to wrestle against.

TONY: mother fucker… Alan go in that ring and tell the fa- Wait. I have a better idea.

Tony disappears for a moment to the front of the dealership and when he returns he’s not alone. Walking next to him, with purpose, is one of the protesters.

TONY: here’s the microphone, chief. Nows
Your chance to make a difference. Get in that ring and plead your case. Tell these people how you feel. Change their minds.

The protester grabs the microphone and heads into the ring determined as hell.

PROTESTOR: YOU PEOPLE. YOU MASKLESS FASCISTS. HOW CAN YOU BE SO BLIND

The fans are a bit confused, but think it’s all part of the show so the man is met with a chorus of boos and laughter no matter how serious he tries to be. Meanwhile Tony walks to the back and whispers something into Johnny Dorns ear before pointing to the ring. In a split second Johnny Dorn takes off through the makeshift black curtain entrance.

- V -

P R O T E S T E R 

Johnny Dorn, a heel by nature, is about to learn how intoxicating cheers can be. He slides into the ring and the protester looks terrified. He drops the microphone and doesn’t want any trouble. Johnny asks himself why he got the bars shut down in Chicago, but the protester doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about. Johnny then asks why he hates freedom and America. The protester shakes his head but honesty it’s too fucking late. The bell rings, not because the referee asked for it, he doesn’t even agree to any of this bullshit. Tony was the one ringside who rang the bell, and now he’s ringside screaming at Johnny to avenge his favorite bar with a shit eating grin on his face.

Johnny doesn’t make it quick though. He gouges the poor fellas eyes and shoves him into the turnbuckle then proceeding to pull his shirt up over his head in a hockey fight style and pummels him. The referee breaks it up and Johnny waits for the guy to come to his senses but as he walks out of the corner Dorn hits the Shot of Malört ace crusher and the referee apprehensively counts to three at the barking order of Tony Ruzzo.


Some of the fans seem a bit uneasy, as they start to pick up on what just happened here. Meanwhile Tony watches as the protester walks back to the front of the dealership and to the protests. Danny Stevenson now in a perfect reverse shrugs and Tony gives him a sarcastic thumbs up.

Luckily we DO have both competitors for the second match and before anyone has time to react Tony sends Conor Mayfair out there to get booed heavily. A couple of the fans actually had his mugshot on a poster and held it up for him. Conor seems to recognize them from the jail that day, but In his nature he couldn’t care less, Tony did see him load up for a loogie but he pleaded with him to not do it. Naty Zenigata comes out next and she is met with huge applause. The entire diner staff came out to support her.

M A Y F A I R

- V - 

N A T Y 

Z E N I G A T A 

Naty was cautious all at first, maybe because of Conor’s wrestling past, but also because he stood in the middle of the ring like a fucking starved pitbull. When they do lock up Conor shoves her down to the mat angrily and laughs daring her to come try it again. She does, and Conor shoves her down again and pursues her viciously which would end up being his mistake because as she falls down she rolls through and hops back up to her feet landing a dropkick. This sent Conor back to rethink the strategy and we are in the stand off again.

Conor takes advantage again with aggressive kicks that paint their landing spots red with welts. Naty seems defenseless to the kicks, but she was just picking her spot. She catches a kick and hits a dragon screw to get the upperhand. Naty gives Conor a taste of his own medicine with shoot kicks while he tries to stand up, but he bails to the outside to recover, but more importantly he grabs the sign with his mugshot and rips it in half before sliding back into the ring. Naty wants another tie up but Conor is controlling again. This time backing her into a corner and delivering more kicks before some shoulder thrusts to wear her out. Conor doesn’t waste time talking trash to his opponent before throwing her around the ring with some suplexes and getting a near fall that he swears was a 3 count.

Conor opts to stalk her instead of following up right away, lifting her by the head but lookout! A double knee face buster! Naty rolls him up 1,2,NO! Cone kicks out! But the fans are excited, we think, it could also be the Silverado Tacos. Naty urgently picks Conor up and hits a neck breaker before heading up to the top turnbuckle determined to hit a diving body splash BUT Conor kips up and hits the ropes racking Naty and leaving her in a vulnerable state. Conor lifts her off the top rope and onto his shoulders and hits the Devil Trigger in the middle of the ring for the three count victory.


Conor doesn’t even want his hand raised honestly, he leaves the ring immediately and leaves through the crow- ope wait a minute. He flips a guys silverado tacos into his lap and tells him to keep his fucking hands to himself and never touch Noelle again. Conveniently enough, Noelle wasn’t too far away and was smiling pointing at the guy. Fucking mark.

Finally the first legitimate match in Cheap Pops, but Tony was busy doing damage control. Danny Stevenson took issue with Tony sacrificing a protester, in fact he was just pissed off all around that there were protestors and that Santana showed up to the commercial late. They walk away from each other with what seems to be a mutual understanding as Alan approaches.

ALAN: we uh…

TONY: Unless Santana stabbed someone I Don't give a damn, Alan.

ALAN: Zeke Davis didnt show up either.

TONY: Oh for fucks sake, Alan. I can’t go grab another protester. Danny said he would call the cops.

ALAN: I guess we can always announce that Ze-

TONY: Shut the fuck Up, Alan. I just need time to think.

Tony stands there in complete silence staring at the sky for an awkward amount of time. Really uncomfortable, especially since the fans are looking over at him

TONY: I got nothing.

They both sigh for a moment as a woman walks up them with some uneasy energy.

WOMAN: Hi. I um.

TONY: I know, I know. But Fucking Zeke Davis isn’t here and we beat up a protester. Look, lady. I know. But all ticket sales were final and I-

She waves off his comment

WOMAN: I’m Channel 3 Meteorologist April Mayflowers.

Tony looks at Alan, who had clearly set this up under Tony’s nose.

ALAN: YES! Welcome Ms Mayflowers. Thank you for showing up. We’d like to apologize again for Bembe’s actions and we look forward to having you ringside tonight.

APRIL: Right. I’m only here to do a weekend weather live spot. Make no mistakes, I don’t want to be a part of your show.

She was very particular, but not very nice. She walked away guiding her camera crew with her towards the ring.

TONY: fuck Zeke Davis. Put Bembe and that cowgirl on.

ALAN: Averie? Her name is A-

He already walked away.

B R I G H T W E L L 

- V -

A V E R I E 

S T A R D U S T 

Bembe is, uh. Well he seems grateful to be here. He bows a lot and gives a couple high fives, making sure to look up at the sky every so often at the clouds. His eyes do narrow towards Mrs. Mayflowers who is ringside and she shares the sentiment. They’re clearly not fans of each other. Averie, who was adamantly told she could NOT have a cow for her entrance comes in on like one of those broomstick horses but instead it’s a cowhead. Idk man. She’s eccentric. The match starts and it’s almost like neither of these two want to hurt the other. Some quick chain wrestling and exchanges of headlock takedowns gets a couple in the audience to try a ‘this is wrestling’ chant. Marks.

Bembe asks for a weather timeout as the wind picks up and the referee refuses. Averie tries a schoolboy for a quick two count and now Bembe is fired up. How dare she neglect his concern for the weather. Bembe charges in irrationally and Averie quickly takes advantage with a drop toe hold and then a moonsault for another quick two count. Now Averie tries to turn the speed up with some arm drags, but Bembe actually knows how to wrestle. Regardless of how fucking stupid looks. Bembe has some creative offense using the ropes to maneuver himself into the upperhand with a wrist lock and a quick trip. It gave him enough time to use the middle rope for a rebound tornado ddt and a quick two count. Bembe waits for her to get up and hits a bulldog trying to get another quick two cou- no! Averie slipped out and Bembe landed on his butt and are a nice kick between the shoulder blades for his efforts followed by a diving forearm off the ropes. Another near fall and Averie is back in control.

The fans are starting to pay more attention as Averie and Bembe exchange some exciting offense, Averie still managing to keep the upperhand after each exchange and keeping it that way with a bicycle kick that nearly took Bembe’s head off. He rolls to the outside trying to regain his composure and straighten his mask but Averie is in mid air to meet him with a meteora from the apron! She rolls him in and lifts him to the corner trying to set up the fall away moonsault slam, but Bembe fights out! He fights out and flips over the top of Averie hitting a sunset flip powerbomb! NOW the crowd pops! Bembe tries to get the pin, but only a nearfall. He staggers to his feet and climbs to the top rope before leaping off and hitting the ESD, a shooting star press elbow drop! And Bembe gets the W with a 3 count!


Tony looks around and finally the fans are in their feet clapping. People even walked away from the car sale to watch two people flipping through the sun. Everything is finally going grea- wait why does Bembe have a microphone?

BEMBE: Th-thank you. I j-ju-ju-just wanted to tell everyone in attendance that I am sorry for the way I acted at Ch-ch-cha-channel 3. Truth is.

Bembe takes a deep breath and turns to Tony. Tony asks him to just apologize and put the mic down.

BEMBE: truth is meteorologists are only right on average sixty percent of the time. And they would prefer a natural disaster happen or a bad storm because then they get r-ra-ra-ratings! And do-

Tony cut his microphone. Bembe tried to plead his case, but eventually he leaves the ring. He smirks towards Ms. Mayflowers, but suddenly the sound of Thunder quietly rumbles from the crowd and Bembe takes off like the cops are chasing him. The weather woman’s foley guy was there with a Bose speaker and a weather playlist for the live hit. He was scared of a speaker that sounded like thunder. Makes sense…..if you’re stupid. Everyone laughs as Ms. Mayflowers does her live hit from the ring.

She fakes excitement while the camera is on, but the minute the cameraman signals that it’s a wrap she wants to get the fuck out of there. Tony tried to shake her hand and thank her for being there, she declined. Regardless Noelle Laurent is on her way out because apparently nobody told her that she doesn’t have an opponent.

Awesome.

So Tony walks up to the ring and tries to have a word with her, she doesn’t want to hear it. And in fear of repeating the same storyline twice we’d hate to just do the exact same thi- fuck it. Conor Mayfair grabs the poor fuck that he dumped the nachos on and rolls him into the ring. It’s his own daily really, She warned him to keep his hands to herself. He eats a discus clothesline and then finds himself screaming for his life in Noelle's Last Chancery, and staring at Conor Mayfair in his face as he berates him for putting his hands on Noelle. Tony is sweating at this point, he screams out to the man to tap his hand on the mat and give up. Hey what do you know? It worked. Conor and Noelle leave the ring and now Tony has two probable assault charges.

Finally, the main event is here. Kinda. Jersey Jim is in the back talking to the referee and telling him how this is going to go when Tony walks up. Jim points to Tony and Tony rolls his eyes.

TONY: Not now, man. Jim, listen not now.

JIM: BROTHER, listen. You owe me. You owe these people. You owe your uncle god rest his soul brother. We need to do the right thing, especially for those animals he killed.

Tony turns to the referee and nods before walking away briskly. None of them in the distance see Bembe Brightwell hiding underneath a catering table.

- V -

‘J E R S E Y’

J I M 

L U Z Z A T T O 

Who is ready to watch the shit hit the fan? The fans surely are. News spread that Jersey Jim was going on and suddenly everyone in the dealership gathered around. Tony couldn’t believe it. Everything was working out perfectly. Getting the 80s legend might actually pay off. Suddenly an 87 Cutlass roars through the dealership and stops before the ring. On top of the car was a protester holding in for dear life. He rolled off the top and onto the hood when Santana slammed on the brakes. Santana got out the car and was looking around. You’d swear he thought that it rained white people in suburbia. He had no idea he barreled through the crowd.

Welp, the moment the crowd was waiting for. God damn Jersey Jim Luzzatto flexing to the MAX. This dude is ROIDED OUT
took extra vitamins for this show. Although he probably made the right decision not ripping the shirt like he used to. He’s carrying quite the old man gut, too. As soon as he hits the ring to flex for the crowd Santana ruins the flash photography moment and attacks Jim from behind. There’s not too much wrestling being done here, Santana is mashing Jim’s face into the turnbuckle over and over again until the referee makes him stop.

From there it’s just more closed fist bashing from Santana as he tries to bust Jim’s forehead open. Jim gouges Santana’s eyes and gets the upper hand locking in a headlock. Yup. Just a headlock. And boy is he milking that thing. Just walking around to each side of the ring wrenching the headlock and flexing for the cameras. What a legend. Santana fights his way out, backing Jom into a corner and whaddya know?! More fucking closed fist punches, and Jim is busted open now. Santana takes his fingernails and literally tries to rip his fucking skin open. It’s awkward. The cheers have quieted and the Carmageddon pour over is starting to sour. Jim leaves the ring after the referee finally breaks it up, but Santana gives chase. The son of a bitch takes Jim and tries to throw him onto a car but Tony gets in the way and begs him not to. He doesn’t want to pay for them, and Santana listens.

This lets Jersey Jim make an escape and oh god he has a chair. Here we fucking go. Jim blasts Santana with a chair and throws him towards the ring. He takes a moment to pose for the fans again and Bembe sneaks out from under the ring and tries to tell Santana something but he’s stuttering like a fucking dummy. Jim sees him and Bembe scurries back under the ring like a cockroach. Santana turns around and headbutts Jim before running him back towards the car. Tony tried to stop him again, but Santana shoves him aside and throws Jim onto the hood of a used Honda Civic before giving Tony a two finger salute. He gets on top of the car and stomps around making sure to dent the Car before lifting Jim up and hitting a Death Valley driver onto the hood of the car next to them. That’s two cars now.

Tony is basically fucking crying. His head is in his hands, and he reaches into his pocket and tries to find his car keys before slipping out into the crowd and hurrying to his car.

Santana takes a minute to get Jim back to his feet and into the ring for a… well… a slow two count. Santana’s head jerks to the referee and he asks him if it’s him too? Santana corners the referee and grabs his shirt threatening to bash his fucking brains in. Santana let’s him go and turns into a big boot from Jim! Oh god. Time for his three moves of doom. Santana gets back up and eats a running axe handle before lifting Santana up and hitting a running powerslam. For the ONETWOTHREE. Woah what the the fuck? Santana kicked out after the three but the count was ridiculously fast. The referee leaves the ring and runs through the crowd. Jim leaves the ring quickly and flexes for the fans and Santana can’t quite figure out what he wants to do.

‘J E R S E Y’

J I M 

L U Z Z A T T O

Santana gets back into the car and slams it into reverse quickly before smashing into another car. That’s three cars now. Then he peels out and sees Tony leaving the parking lot and decides that he’s going after him to get his revenge.

Would we exactly call that a successful show?

Eh, it’s a show. Hopefully we got some cheap pops.