Post by Jersey Jim Luzzatto on Oct 9, 2020 21:45:26 GMT
“Jersey” Jim Luzzatto, the red and yellow, copious amounts of baby oil, and grainy video footage – it's like the summer of '85. It's pleasant. It's poignant. He's just as bald and tan now as he was then. Big ass pythons like you remembered. That gut though. Yikes.
You've seen the macho intensity thousands of times before, but never at a dealership in the middle of nowhere. Luzzatto is misplaced to everyone outside northern New Jersey. The younger generations there know him more as a screaming old hulk in cheesy local business commercials than as a wrestling legend.
A black open top Convertible slowly rolls by a row of cars. Luzzatto rides in the backseat with beautiful ladies on each side – both hired from a Hooters in the closest major city. Both of them are all slutted up. Hey, men like pro wrestling too. And this is manly man shit. It's made even more badass with sweet royalty-free stock rock. Name any AC/DC song. It sounds like that one.
Longtime interviewer “Surly” Sam Oberman greets them. Bald head, mustache, nice suit, holding a microphone, and a voice that brings legitimacy to hokey horse shit – just as you remembered. “Holy mackerel! 'Jersey' Jim Luzzatto! What are you doing here?!”
Luzzatto suddenly appears next to Oberman. “I'm here for the DANNY STEVENSON CHEVROLET 'CARMAGEDDON' FALL SALES EVENT!” Unnecessary voice echo effects! Cheesy explosion graphics! “Me and Tony Russo's Cheap Pops Pro Wrestling are here to sell cars! In the main event, Santana Johnson can either sell for me or I'll make him sell!”
“What do you mean by that, Jim?!”
“I'm gonna show all you slack-jawed sleazeballs out here in the middle of nowhere what a global wrestling megastar looks like!” Luzzatto sucks in his gut and runs through a quick flexing routine as he talks. “Look at these arms!”
Oberman's jaw drops. “Oh my! They're bigger than ever!”
“Look at everything I've done! I was the reason you all fell in love with wrestling! I built the wrestling business! I carried entire companies on my back! I sold out Madison Square Garden more than anyone! I paved the way for wrestlers in Hollywood! I transcend the sport!”
Luzzatto now stands next to a life size canvas portrait of his opponent.
“Now look at Santana Johnson! He comes out wrestling in his street clothes – if you can call that outlaw garbage wrestling! There ain't no difference between Santana Johnson and a drunk at the bar! Lousy body! Incoherent! Can't work! Fights and bleeds in front of very few people! Doesn't make any money! No wonder pro wrestling is less popular than it's ever been! Because you young fans and wrestlers look up to that goof! But like that drunk at the bar, he ain't nothing to look up to!”
That black convertible plows over the Santana portrait and its wooden stand stand from behind! Luzzatto's in the driver's seat with the women in the car!
“At 'Carmageddon,'” Luzzatto points to us, “I'm gonna run you over, Santana Johnson!”
Luzzatto now stands in front of the convertible. The women run their hands along his chest and arms, fawning over him.
“I don't need weapons like the slobs you see killing the wrestling business these days! I don't gotta set myself on fire or jump off ladders! Anybody can do that! You don't need skills! But these ladies can tell ya I ain't just anybody! And I got looooots of skills!”
Oh-ho-hooooo! It's getting a little racy! But look at 'em all giggle and blush! Not one drama major among them!
“What you're gonna see is an elite athlete with a world class body do what no normal man can do! I'm gonna take these arms!” Luzzatto shows us what his favorite hold looks like, making sure to pop the muscles. “And I'm gonna squeeeeze the life outta Santana Johnson with a Headlock!”
The women gasp in admiration of those massive arms!
“Santana Johnson ain't gonna look so tough when those eyes roll back and he's crying for his mommy at 'CARMAGEDDON!'”
More voice echoes!
A nasally male voice over butts in with a graphic displaying the dealership, address, and ticket prices. “Dannystevensonchevrolet! Onezerosevenriverbenddrivealexandrialouisianasevenonethreezerotwobythemcdonalds!”
“Cheap Pops Pro Wrestling and 'Carmageddon!' I'm working marks and Danny Stevenson is marking down prices! It's gonna be the best wrestling show and car sale this town has ever seeeeeeen!”
Luzzatto tears his red tank top down the middle as we fade out.
You've seen the macho intensity thousands of times before, but never at a dealership in the middle of nowhere. Luzzatto is misplaced to everyone outside northern New Jersey. The younger generations there know him more as a screaming old hulk in cheesy local business commercials than as a wrestling legend.
A black open top Convertible slowly rolls by a row of cars. Luzzatto rides in the backseat with beautiful ladies on each side – both hired from a Hooters in the closest major city. Both of them are all slutted up. Hey, men like pro wrestling too. And this is manly man shit. It's made even more badass with sweet royalty-free stock rock. Name any AC/DC song. It sounds like that one.
Longtime interviewer “Surly” Sam Oberman greets them. Bald head, mustache, nice suit, holding a microphone, and a voice that brings legitimacy to hokey horse shit – just as you remembered. “Holy mackerel! 'Jersey' Jim Luzzatto! What are you doing here?!”
Luzzatto suddenly appears next to Oberman. “I'm here for the DANNY STEVENSON CHEVROLET 'CARMAGEDDON' FALL SALES EVENT!” Unnecessary voice echo effects! Cheesy explosion graphics! “Me and Tony Russo's Cheap Pops Pro Wrestling are here to sell cars! In the main event, Santana Johnson can either sell for me or I'll make him sell!”
“What do you mean by that, Jim?!”
“I'm gonna show all you slack-jawed sleazeballs out here in the middle of nowhere what a global wrestling megastar looks like!” Luzzatto sucks in his gut and runs through a quick flexing routine as he talks. “Look at these arms!”
Oberman's jaw drops. “Oh my! They're bigger than ever!”
“Look at everything I've done! I was the reason you all fell in love with wrestling! I built the wrestling business! I carried entire companies on my back! I sold out Madison Square Garden more than anyone! I paved the way for wrestlers in Hollywood! I transcend the sport!”
Luzzatto now stands next to a life size canvas portrait of his opponent.
“Now look at Santana Johnson! He comes out wrestling in his street clothes – if you can call that outlaw garbage wrestling! There ain't no difference between Santana Johnson and a drunk at the bar! Lousy body! Incoherent! Can't work! Fights and bleeds in front of very few people! Doesn't make any money! No wonder pro wrestling is less popular than it's ever been! Because you young fans and wrestlers look up to that goof! But like that drunk at the bar, he ain't nothing to look up to!”
That black convertible plows over the Santana portrait and its wooden stand stand from behind! Luzzatto's in the driver's seat with the women in the car!
“At 'Carmageddon,'” Luzzatto points to us, “I'm gonna run you over, Santana Johnson!”
Luzzatto now stands in front of the convertible. The women run their hands along his chest and arms, fawning over him.
“I don't need weapons like the slobs you see killing the wrestling business these days! I don't gotta set myself on fire or jump off ladders! Anybody can do that! You don't need skills! But these ladies can tell ya I ain't just anybody! And I got looooots of skills!”
Oh-ho-hooooo! It's getting a little racy! But look at 'em all giggle and blush! Not one drama major among them!
“What you're gonna see is an elite athlete with a world class body do what no normal man can do! I'm gonna take these arms!” Luzzatto shows us what his favorite hold looks like, making sure to pop the muscles. “And I'm gonna squeeeeze the life outta Santana Johnson with a Headlock!”
The women gasp in admiration of those massive arms!
“Santana Johnson ain't gonna look so tough when those eyes roll back and he's crying for his mommy at 'CARMAGEDDON!'”
More voice echoes!
A nasally male voice over butts in with a graphic displaying the dealership, address, and ticket prices. “Dannystevensonchevrolet! Onezerosevenriverbenddrivealexandrialouisianasevenonethreezerotwobythemcdonalds!”
“Cheap Pops Pro Wrestling and 'Carmageddon!' I'm working marks and Danny Stevenson is marking down prices! It's gonna be the best wrestling show and car sale this town has ever seeeeeeen!”
Luzzatto tears his red tank top down the middle as we fade out.